You May Feel A Little Spinning...

For a number of years now, I have suffered through a barrage of various strange maladies.  None, however, have been as crippling as my vertigo, balance, and motion sickness.  If fact, it has become so much a part of me that Father Bob actually mentioned it on our wedding day as he delivered the homily!

The proverbial ‘they’ say that motion sickness should become less frequent and severe, as a person gets older. The opposite has happened with me.  It has gotten progressively more aggressive with age (like ailment, like host?) and it has started to creep into my daily life in such an insidious way that I find myself wobbling at the blackboard as my students tease me about having too much to drink in order to deal with their zoo-like behaviour. Sure, sometimes it is laughable, but more than anything it has become a serious nuisance.  So finally my ENT specialist set me up for the penultimate of hearing and balance tests.  It took 3 months for Toronto General to find an appointment for me. Then two weeks ago, I finally set off for my tests. 

God bless my sister.  In recent years we have become medical support for each other.  She braved heading into the city with me at an ungodly hour in order to be on time for my 8:30am appointment. Thank goodness she did, because by the time I was exiting the hospital I felt like a child who had enjoyed one too many trips on the teacups at Disney!

I was the first to be tortured, I mean…tested that morning.  The quartet of tests that are performed at TGH are not available anywhere else in southern Ontario, so the waiting room began to fill with patients from all over the province.  My lovely but deadpan nurse was named Heather.  I am a joker by nature, and dear middle-aged Heather was a hard audience to crack. I had been warned that one of the four tests would make me ill, but I could never have been prepared for what was to come over the next four hours. First our host Heather escorted me to a chamber that, by the time I was finished, made me feel as though I might have been kin with the victims of Chinese water torture.

I took my seat on a raised bed with an inclined headrest. First, she shook my head in her hands.  That’s right, she literally took my head in her hands and shook it back and forth. That in itself was enough to get me spinning.  Then she sat me on the edge of the bed and tilted my head back over the bed rapidly and repeatedly.  Kill me now? No, no, there was more.

Perhaps I will change formats for this one, humor me would you?

Queen of the Torture Chamber: Now, lay back on the bed and we will start the test.

Me: Ha! And here I was thinking we had started.

Queen of the Torture Chamber:  Hum. Well, no. So, you are going to lie on your back and I am going to rush water into your ears to change the temperature of your inner ear. You will get a rush of warm water and then a rush of cold into your ear. I will do this in both ears. I am going to ask you some questions; don’t worry about the answers.  Just answer them to the best of your ability. You will feel as though the bed and/or the room is spinning. 

Holy shit! Are you kidding me?  She’s going to make me feel the spin? F**K Me! After that she rushed what felt like a million liters of water into my brain.  With each rush I tried to answer the questions; really, I did try.  However, by the fourth rush of water I became almost incoherent.  Questions like, “Name all the fruits you can think of” resulted in answers like, “Kumquat, Orange, Pickle, Hose… Oh, God….”. Then it all stopped.  The mistress of the fire hose that had been rinsing my brain was silent. Then, those fateful words came from her mouth, “Do you think you could handle one more? I’m getting some soft results from one of your ears and I’d like to see if they are correct”.

All I could do was nod. Then I agreed to the last blast to my ears as long as it meant I would never ever return to the torture chamber.  When she was done she helped me to my feet.  The whole world was spinning and I needed to be sick.  I practiced the controlled breath meditation that I have become so good at to control losing my stomach when the spins come.  Thank goodness I had had enough forethought to not ingest anything in the last 12 hours!

I exited the room with the help of Heather, and made my way down the hallway toward the waiting room.  The look on my sister’s face was priceless.  “What the hell happened in there?”, she asked.  I couldn’t answer for fear of opening my mouth.  I could not risk interrupting the breathing.  I could see the horror on the faces of the people in the waiting room. Then finally I mustered a few words. “I have never experienced anything so awful in all my life.  I need to go to the powder room.”

Once I returned from the ladies room I was exposed to a series of heinous hearing tests that lasted about three hours. I was force to tolerate repetitive ticking at brain shattering decibels. I was asked to repeat indiscernible words at ridiculous volume levels, and I even had the pressure of my ears tested by a machine that my have sucked out a portion of my freshly washed brain.

By the end of the testing I had cracked the hardened Heather. “Well, you made it!”, she said reassuringly. I replied, “My only solace about the way I feel is that I am sure I am not the worst you have seen”. She smiled and took a deep breath. Really? Was I really that bad? Good gracious.

As my sister helped me gather myself together to leave the hospital I had one final awful realization; I was going to have to take the elevator to the ground floor!  On a good day even a short elevator ride would make me woozy, but this was going to be one hell of a ride.  With residual water still sloshing around in my head, I braved the ride.  The elevator only stopped twice on the way down but the cardiologist we shared the ride with looked a bit concerned by my awesome pale gray colour. 

When I finally hit the cold breeze outside the hospital I began to feel a tiny bit better, but the truth is that it took me a few days to really get myself back together. I will see the specialist in two weeks to hear the results.  At this point, any news is good news; I am desperate to have some information and be able to move on with a plan of attack. Until then, it’s back to the homeopath and acupuncturist for my monthly tune-up!

Happy New Year!! Where Did 2010 Go?

Dave and I were recently discussing the paradox of how slowly and how quickly 2010 came and went.  Of course, it was a year of many changes; most notably we were married and we moved. Upon reflection, those around us had pretty intense years as well.  Some of our friends and family marked joyful milestones, while others were faced with life challenges. Regardless, we have all found ourselves right where we belong. 

ON MOVING...

Seriously? Did we really do it? After all the kind teasing and taunts by our friends and family, the property search that took almost three years finally resulted in our new home. It may not be perfect, but it’s perfect for now.  The months of August and September seemed to take forever to pass! October 1st was that illusive date that really seemed surreal. Once we changed the locks and made the place ours, we still had a hard time adjusting. Rather, we still HAVE a hard time adjusting.  Though we were lucky enough to manage purchasing our new home without selling the house in Waterloo, we still feel as though we are starting from square one.  I feel terribly for each of the people we encounter that needs to wait patently while we retrieve our postal code every single time we are asked for it. We are also having to adjust to the silence of a street where, for the most part, the residents begin to settle for the night at 6:00 pm. Don't get me wrong, I do not miss being awakened in the middle of the night by drunk 20-something males relieving themselves in the front yard after a night at the bar, but really the silence might be just as disturbing! How the hell did we end up in suburbia?

ON NEIGBOURS...

Both Dave and I have had our fair share of interesting neighbours. Shall we reflect? There was our beloved Ralph who took plants from the cemetery to build his garden collection. There were the drug-dealing Ginos who took to family brawls in the street. There was 'Timmy's Family' who was agoraphobic and did family property maintenance as a flash mob. There are the expletive screaming Neapolitans with their beloved ever-barking dog Louis; and who could forget Deb. Yes, Deb took on the entire city of Waterloo as the face of the Northdale Area Residents Coalition. That's right, NARC!!!! So aptly titled by acronym, since I am sure that Deb still knows what we are up to even though we live in a new town. Yes, we have had our fair share of interesting individuals as neighbours.

Now that we have moved, we are gearing up for a new set of fascinating individuals. We were 'lucky' enough to meet many of them when they just happened to end up at our front door all together on Halloween Night. Being hip to that jive I had prepared our house accordingly.  We were all decked out and ready to make our debut. Everyone seemed pleasant as they attempted a craned look at the interior of our house. We exchanged pleasantries as we felt the evaluative glances measure us up. We discovered that our closest neighbours Karri and Ryan have two small daughters, one of whom was dressed in the most fabulous Mr. Muggs outfit! Who couldn’t like people who dress their kids as retro literary characters?

For the most part, everyone we have met has been really friendly, and now that we have moved into winter and neighbourly exchanges have slowed down, we look forward to meeting more people in the spring.  As an aside, we have had to make major adjustments with regard to the weather. In fact, we now do believe that we have moved to the ninth circle of hell, as the wind never stops blowing, the snow never stops falling, and it’s cold as, well…hell. Our neighbour Ryan was kind enough to snow blow the end of our driveway after the first big storm brought us two million feet of snow.  He joked with Dave that when he moved to town he didn’t think he would need a snow blower either.  Something tells me we might just have to look into the possibility of something more brawny than our shovels.

ON HOME IMPROVEMENT…

Our new dining room table. Still no chairs though!

After we lovingly renovated much of the house in Waterloo, I really thought I had had my fill of home improvements for the new house. Alas, just as I cannot resist a good home magazine, I cannot resist repainting. Now luckily, the new house needs no major work accept finishing the basement (a walk in the park as far as we are concerned), but there is always cleaning and personalizing to do. First on the list was the dining room.  The former owners were using this space as a main floor home office complete with their children’s growth chart drawn directly on the wall with permanent marker. In short, this room with its white walls sucked.  It was, therefore, the first to be dealt with.

         First I picked two possible paint colours from my Benjamin Moore Designer Paint Chip Collection; a gift I am sure Dave has regretted buying me for the past five years ago. We tried the colours out and they were both vetoed. Then my sister, Max, who happens to be my hero in the design world, helped us out.  The verdict? Herbes de Provence; that’s fancy talk for green.  Dave went to work and painted the room for us.  In two days we had a real dining room, albeit with no furniture, but hey, baby steps right? My only complaint, because of course I do need one, the colour looks exactly like the foyer colour! They are not the same colour by any means of the imagination. However, because the colour of our foyer changes depending on where you are in the house, if you stand between the two rooms they look remarkably similar. Is it possible we went from being home colour trendsetters to neutral nobodies? I might be doomed to a monochromatic life if I am not careful!

BEFORE: Unlawful wall assault 

AFTER: Hello there handsome

       Then there was the powder room on the main floor.  The proud former homeowner informed me that she had once been an interior designer. Lord help us all if this is what passes for interior decorating in Dufferin County! She had textured all the walls and ceiling surfaces by adding drywall compound to the walls and scraping it in different directions. Then to enhance this ‘cutting edge’ technique, she painted over it to form a bond much like that of Kryptonite! I spent four days sanding the walls down and preparing them for the 21^st century.  This resulted in a house that was frosted in drywall dust and walls as smooth as butter. For the time being, I am too frugal to get a new countertop, so I went with a paint colour (Stardust)  that would take the focus away from it.  

A new non Greco-Roman-throwback light fixture, and voila! I think I am beginning to realize that our house is determining its own style, one that is new for both of us. We’ll see how that goes.  Next stop, the study.

ON CHRISTMAS…

This foyer could be in a magazine!

I have really never been one for Christmas.  I am not a killjoy by any means, I have just never really been utterly intoxicated by the mirth that some people get so caught up in at holiday time.  Dave has been after me for years to be more spirited at Christmas and I have tried. Really, I have tried.  However, I just couldn’t do it.  This year I tried to change.  I decked out our house with as many decorations as I could find and unpack.  I decorated the banister and the tree, and I dolled up the exterior of the house with 110 feet of beautiful B.C. Cedar garland and killer urns.  Yes, people, this year I tried.  The result?  I got the flu for Christmas. Oh, yah, the stomach flu.  We postponed all Christmas festivities, and filled the rest of our time off together making up for missed family events by traveling Southern Ontario.  

Sexy Tree

Dave took off the two weeks I had off, and thank goodness for that, or else we would have been traveling every weekend until Easter to make up for all those folks we missed. Joyeux Noel, I don’t think so.

ON BABIES…

         Slow down your reading folks.  There is no bun in the oven here at the Olden’s. Humphery likes being a spoiled only child! However, there was very much a need for an honourable mention that goes out to Dave’s cousin Jen and her husband Jason.  They were blessed with baby Lucas this fall and the family couldn’t be more happy for them.  Jen and Jason had been looking forward to building their family and met with a few bumps on the way to the birth of Lucas.  The wait was well worth it as everyone is happy, healthy and doing well. 

This a very serious only child

         One of my closest friends in the whole wide world is also expecting her third baby and I am so super excited! Mel is on bed rest, which is a fate worse than childbirth for my girl on the go. Her husband Tony and her sons are having to care for her and I think it will be well worth it. The reason being, I think that this is just the start of years worth of grief that a new baby girl would bring!  Here’s to hoping for a new sister for Atlin and Eli!

         Finally, my friend Graciamaria is expecting in February.  She is my favourite baby mama lately because she is the most hilariously bitter. She and her husband John are having another baby girl and if the birth of Daniella is any indicator, Gracia is in for yet another gorgeous baby.

ON THE NEW YEAR…

         As far as New Year resolutions go, I am going to attempt to start P90X again.  Let’s see if I can’t get to at least day 10 shall we?  But seriously, I think we have both decided that after an intensely hurried last year, we are going to attempt to take time to smell the roses this year.  As my father in law says, “It’s not living if you are just planning for the next thing to happen”. So we are going to make a concerted effort to really be present in our life together.  Sure, I am going to be as busy as usual. In fact, I enrolled in another Dance additional qualification course that starts in eleven days, but I really do want to start enjoying life rather than simply trying to get through the day. I have been lucky enough to reconnect with some amazing friends that I have not seen in years, and as adults we have been able to come to our friendships freely and without the pressures and drama that once clouded our judgment with the issues of youth.  Dave and I are so incredibly blessed, and we thank God everyday that we live the life we do.  We have tremendous family and friends and we want to share more of our life with them. Let 2011 be the year of re-birth, joy and happiness. Life’s too short to put it off any longer. We start to live with joyful abandon today…